1. Worship Directors would flip their water bottles after concluding a “home run” set and slowly jog off stage.

2. Preachers would be doused with iced Gatorade in huge orange coolers by their staffs after particularly good Easter sermons…

3. A measure or two of the liturgist’s favorite hymn or praise song would play as he/she walks up to the lectern.

4. Congregations would do the wave if the sermon got a bit slow…

5. ATTENDANCE ABOVE REPLACEMENT (AAR) would be a major metric when determining Senior Pastor’s salaries.

6. Pastors and tech directors would communicate during church services with their bibles covering their mouths.

7. Relief preachers would be ready to come in to finish sermons when the starting preacher begins to fade…

8. People would dream of one day sitting in the front row.

9. Corporations of faith based companies would have luxury boxes.

10. Fireworks would go off when people came to the altar.

11. People would pay $40 to park. $20 if you park over a half mile away.

12. The first six pews would be painted green and offer inclusive café service.

13. Statues of popular former pastors would be placed near the main entrance.

14. The loyal would respond after a weak Christmas Eve service, “We will get them to Bethlehem next year!”

15. Popular pastors would tell their congregations they want to say with them until retirement and then tell their annual HR Committees, “You will have to talk to my agent.”

16. Each church would annually observe “Billy Graham Day” and everyone on the stage would wear replica 1960’s suits with the name “Graham” sewn on the back and carry big King James Bibles.

17. King David Bobblehead Sunday would rival Easter for high attendance.

18. People would stroll in late and leave early. WAIT…they do that now! Perhaps church is already more like baseball!

What might you add?

Published by Rev. Shane L. Bishop

Senior Pastor of Christ Church, Fairview Heights, IL since 1997. I am an orthodox Christian but I am not in a bad mood about it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: